Better

As I said yesterday (and am feeling even more today), it's strange how okay I am right now. Each time I was rejected for [Shirk] funding, I would hit a low point and would have trouble facing my research for a while. With [German travel funding], however, somehow there is no pain. I'm actually more driven to get my research done now, because I have a clear plan and am not waiting back to hear from anyone. Today I came up with a really decent list of newspapers I want to survey, and tomorrow I'm going to track them down and figure out how to order their microfilm. And I'm really not too worried about the financial side of my research. In fact, a friend reminded me that I'll be able to get a bit of travel funding from our department (and a couple hundred from the Faculty of Grad Studies -- even more if I can find a way to present at a conference while I'm there). So, that will help.

It might be that I've finally learned to separate my feeling of worth from my level (and sources) of funding. I'm not sure that it's entirely true, but it's possible.

What I do know is that I'm very much ready to move forward. I have a year ahead of me that's free from funding applications and teaching work; all I have is my dissertation. I need to make good use of this year, get this thing written, and move on with my life. That would be good.

(Next step: learning to be okay with telling people that I'm starting my fifth year of my PhD.)