It's funny how I seem to be constantly reinventing the wheel. If you went through my archives, you'd find that I learn the same lessons over and over. I'm constantly having to learn from myself.
I've been in a funk lately. I've been wandering around in a daze, procrastinating out of a vague feeling of anxiety. I've been feeling like I've been losing time, feeling guilty about wasting time, avoiding everything that makes me feel guilty, and thus wasting even more time. And then the cycle repeats.
While we were eating supper tonight, I hit that point of frustration that I always end up hitting, where I get fed up with the funk and start vocalising what's wrong in my brain. Chris helped me realise exactly why I'm so fed up with comps right now: I have no creative outlet.
Normally, I'm reading for research, meaning that the reading is towards the end goal of writing. I'm processing everything so that I can put my arrange my thoughts creatively into a written work. With the way I'm reading my comps books right now, there's no creative outlet. I'm just passively receiving information quickly, day after day after day. Book after book after book. And that's tiring.
That's when I realised that I need to change the way I'm doing things. First, I need to change the way I'm reading. I need to use those creative little tricks I use when I have writer's block, especially right now while I'm in the reading version of writer's block. (Reader's block?) And so I'm wearing my "psychedelic princess dress,"* with candles lit around me and folk music playing. Using the same tricks I've been using since high school. It's so silly that it cheers me up and gets me working.
Step one: silly up my work environment, to break out of the funk.
Step two: change my free time activities, so that I'm finding more creative outlets. When all I'm doing is watching TV and reading stuff on the internet, I'm just doing more passive receiving, filling my head with more unprocessed information. Chris and I are thinking up different activities for the evenings this week: on Thursday we're making apricot freezer jam. I'm also going to try my hand at making pesto, considering how much fresh basil we now have. There's a part of my brain that's also seriously thinking about making some non-breadmaker bread. I think all that kneading would be good for me.
Apparently, I love to cook. I'm also trying to spend more time playing the keyboard, because playing music helps me a lot. Writing on this blog is also good for me, actually, because it's an opportunity for me to write.
I'm going to look around and start evaluating what makes me feel creative and energised, and what drains my energy. I need to start making this a priority, because I'm getting bogged down by all this reading.
* A neon pink medieval-looking dress that I found at Value Village in the summer before grade 12. I had briefly toyed with wearing it as a grad dress, but then found a fuschia 70s bridesmaid dress to wear instead.