I turned on CBC Radio 2 yesterday evening, after picking up my family's Chinese food order, midway into the Arts Report. The announcer was just beginning an interview with one of my fellow PhD students in my department (of the same year as me), who is also a good friend of mine. At first I was thrilled: I'm hearing her on the radio! That sounds like such a cool book she just published! She does such neat stuff.
But then the Inferiority Monster started whispering in my ear. No wonder she got on to the next round for Federal funding. Wow, everyone else in my cohort is really accomplished. They're all jetting off to important conferences, or publishing important books and getting interviewed on the radio, and have a million research projects on the go. What do I have to say on my funding applications? I'm fulfilling my program requirements. I have a finished thesis and a couple of small publications. (But none in my field.) I sometimes feel like I have more in common with the MA students than I have with the PhD students. Or at least I'd far rather compare myself to the MAs.
This is a dangerous path for me to follow. The self-doubt spirals so quickly: Am I the worst student in my whole program? How do I expect to do anything? Do I even deserve to be in my program?
The funny thing is that I fully understand the fact that I am by far the youngest of the PhDs, especially of my cohort. I'm five years younger than the next youngest; the rest are closer in age to my parents, and one is even older than my Dad. The rest of them have returned to school after working in some sort of history-related career for decades (my colleague on the radio published a book as part of her other job). I, on the other hand, am getting all of the schooling out of the way first. I'm just different. I'm not in a rush to get a tenure-track position, after I finish, either. I have all kinds of time to become a professor. I have all kinds of time to get researching and publishing. I'm only 25, for goodness sake; I'm half the age of my friend on the radio.
But sometimes it's hard making that separation.
6 comments:
We all feel that way! Of course, I never actually feel like the WORST student in my program, because there's always one from my cohort that will ALWAYS be the worst. However, feeling like 2nd worst is not much better than feeling like the worst really.
Anyway, this is just to say, you're not alone, and you're surely brilliant!
Personally, I think there's nothing for you but the life of a hobo.
You'll get to eat beans out of a can and ride the rails, the wind in your hair, with nothing but your street smarts and severe allergy to seafood to get by on.
Good luck, my friend.
Dough-e-o-dough-doten-day, cooking up my M.A.
Of course, you have a credit that none of the other Ph.D candidates have -- you have said panpoops. No one can ever take that away from you (nor will I let you forget it).
1. Ball hand into fist.
2. Punch inferiority monster between eyes while shouting your favorite expletive.
And 25? You're still a baaaaby! ;)
Oh, Queen, I hear you. I have the same problem with the inferiority monster. I'm 30, and I'm entering my 4th year on the tenure-track, yet I still feel like a huge loser some days.
You are 25, and you've already accomplished a lot; that's what you should focus on.
P.S. Do you think people in other careers do this sort of comparison? Or do you think outside of academia the comparisons are more about money?
P.P.S. I'm very impressed by your publications. Who cares if they are small. They STILL count.
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