Oh sweet, precious internet. Never go away.
It turned out to be a broken DSL modem. Now everything's back to normal, and I've been getting myself caught up on all the nonsense that's happened in the past half-week. And I didn't die without the internet this week: I made apricot freezer jam (using fruit I bought in the Okanagan), experimented with Hollandaise sauce, tended my landlords' garden in their absence, and am now watching football. So, it hasn't been so bad.
(Okay, I spent every evening at Ky's house, using her wireless while we watched So You Think You Can Dance.)