Letting go

I've lit every candle in the living room and dining room. (It turns out we have a lot of candles.) I've drunk a pot of tea, a mixture of Prairie Berry loose leaf herbal and jasmine. I ordered pizza for supper. I've shut off the TV now.

Chris is out of town. And apparently this is how I'm doing "Home Alone."

I used to love being alone. When Mom and Dad used to go out of town and leave me in charge of the house, the first thing I would do was put my Neil Diamond record on the record player and dance around to "Forever in Blue Jeans." (...I confess.) When Meg and I lived together, I would do essentially the same thing when she'd go out of town, except with ABBA. But somewhere after I moved out here, I stopped being able to be alone. Even though I am usually at home alone during the day, while Chris is at work. But I spend that time procrastinating on the internet (reading blogs feels like you're not alone) and talking on the phone. But I'm trying to re-learn that love of having some space to myself once in a while.

You know, I'd forgotten how lovely it is to spend an evening in complete silence, watching candles flicker.

[Veering further into the introspective. This is what happens when one blogs by candlelight.] This has been a hectic semester already. I think the hardest part of it has been my anxiety about it. It has seemed bigger than I can bear, and most of the time my heart has been beating out of my chest. Sometimes I felt like someone knocked the wind out of me.

But then this week I started making changes. I started acting deliberately, for once. My first step was deciding not to submit an application for a DAAD research fellowship next week. Nothing was coming into place in time, and I was having panic attacks about having my German language (lack of) proficiency tested next week. And, if (on the slim chance) I won, I would have to be ready to do my primary source research in Germany in a year, and I was really doubting that I would be ready. And so I decided to hold off on applying until August.

Somehow, allowing myself to let go of my biggest source of anxiety made all the difference. I sat down and finished my 19th century Europe reading list. I also have been e-mailing back and forth with my supervisor, figuring out my timeline for my comprehensive exams and my research. Not only am I no longer hiding from my supervisor, but we're on the same page and excited about my progress. The funny thing is that I now am excited about putting together my DAAD application for August. I think I'll have a decent shot at it. And I'm anxious to get myself to Germany and do the research I've planned.

And I'm allowing myself to be a competent and confident historian. Today I had my final meeting with my 19th century professor (which I knocked out of the park), in which my professor admitted that working with me has changed the way he does history. I then spent the rest of the afternoon starting my twentieth century list, instead of being overwhelmed by the new list and over-thinking it. And then tonight I allowed myself the evening off. I don't remember when I last did that. A whole evening without guilt.

It feels fantastic.