Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Melancholy

Today is better than the previous days this week, and yet I'm still a little blue. Even though the sky is shining beautifully through the office window. Even though I had the energy to get myself to the office today. To get myself out of the house and read a book.

I think that part of it is the fact that I haven't eaten well today. Too much caffeine. Too much chocolate. Not enough vegetables in my lunch. (Why didn't I have the leftover carrot soup?)

Part of it is the impending stress of tomorrow's two meetings, and all the work that has to happen between then and now. (Maybe I should miss prayer meeting tonight, to catch up?)

Part of it is the fact that I'm a little melancholy about the future and about funding. It's been a little too long since I've had an acceptance letter. Too many rejections, and (this sounds selfish) too many friends getting really good funding, and it wears you out. You start comparing yourself unfairly to others. You start wondering if you're an inferior academic. You start thinking of yourself as "second-rate."

And that helps nothing.

(Side note: my friend in the next office keeps clapping to himself. This does make me laugh. I think I'm going to go harass him before I go home.)

4 comments:

Anastasia said...

i know what you mean about rejections and about friends getting funding. it sucks.

of course, if it makes you feel any better, I'm your friend and I'm not getting funding. :)

Queen of West Procrastination said...

Oh, anastasia, I know that you know exactly what I mean. It's funny because Chris was reading your post today and the comments over my shoulder, and he read negativecapability's comment and asked, "Did you write that?" Because I'm right there with you guys today.

LynnieC said...

Was it Justin? If I were Justin, I'd clap to myself too.]

Queen of West Procrastination said...

Haha. No, but the one who was clapping is good friends with Justin. (Actually, it turns out that he was watching a basketball game on his computer with his headphones on, and he was so excited that he started clapping. Slow-clapping, apparently. I teased him that I thought he was like my parents and clapping along to music.)