Unintentional New Year's Resolutions?

Is it just me, or have I been weirdly upbeat lately? It's suddenly like I've become an aerobics instructor or a motivational speaker or both.

This month, I've become super-fixated on, in essence, "accentuating the positive and eliminating the negative" (to use that hackneyed cliché). I don't know how to put it into words. I've started writing this post so many times, only to delete it and try again.

I know that all of the recent stresses -- that combination of Dad going into the hospital, losing Grandma, and being sick for a few weeks -- really forced me to pay attention to what I need. What makes me happy and what brings me down. It started just after I found out about Grandma. In the past, when I've experienced a loss such as this, I've tried to keep going and push aside my feelings. I've become all too aware that my previous strategy was terrible and only made things worse, and so this time I tried the opposite. I notified anyone who was expecting anything out of me, and told them not to expect anything soon. I took some time off. I talked about my feelings. I let myself cry. I drank a lot of tea. I surrounded myself with people. I talked with my Mom a lot. I watched silly things on TV. I wrote stories about my Grandma, so that I could dwell on all the good stuff. I laughed a surprising amount, for someone in mourning.

And, somehow, that super-determination to be emotionally healthy expanded outward. I started to pay attention to the positive and negative influences in my life. I started to pay attention to my allergies and how I felt when I ate certain foods. (Dilled carrot soup? Makes me feel good. An entire bag of chips? Makes me feel like blarg.) I started paying attention to those moments when I felt anxious and upset. Rather than despairing about those feelings, I would stop and articulate why I was feeling them. I started to "use my words": I'm feeling anxious because I don't know what I'm doing with this bibliography and I feel like I'm making no progress. I'm feeling inadequate because I'm comparing myself negatively to my academic friends. I'm feeling sad because it's cloudy outside and I forgot to use my SAD lamp. I'm missing my Grandma. I'm worrying about my Dad. I'm frustrated with myself, because I wasted so much time. This messy house is making me feel anxious.

And I started to work on those things that were making me feel bad. I started getting out of the house. We second-year PhD students started meeting and voicing our frustrations with our work. We took a couple of days and gave the house a good cleaning. I started working on being concerned with my own work and happy for my friends, instead of envying the important awards that they win or the money they get. I started to work on making real progress.

And I have no idea how long this will last, but I'm really happy right now. (My bubbliness is unnerving for friends who I'm now encountering for the first time since Grandma died. "What's happened recently?" "Oh, my Grandma died and my Dad was in intensive care for a few days, and I just got over a bad cold, but I'm doing great!")

Now I need to go to sleep. And make sure that I get things done tomorrow.