2. Took Myers-Briggs-type personality tests. Made Chris take the personality test. Took the test as Meg (because Ariann had once figured out the personality types of herself, Chris, Derek, Karl and me, but that was before Meg moved back to Regina). Freaked out about the accuracy of the description of my type, INFP.
3. Read the Comics Curmudgeon.
4. Talked on the phone with Matt.
5. Listened as Chris talked on the phone with his dad.
6. As a result of a debate during that talk, looked up research about salmonella in non-alcoholic eggnog that contains raw eggs.
Yeah. That's pretty much been my afternoon and evening. I've been pretty avoidant since yesterday, when I heard back about [significant federal funding that sounds like "shirk"], and I didn't get past the local competition. Again. Even with an application that the local consultant loved and said "deserved funding," I still can't get to the national competition.
At first, I got super-paranoid, because this year I got a letter from the University informing me of the fact, whereas last year I heard (after Christmas, in fact) via e-mail from my grad chair. And the wording of the letter wasn't exactly gentle or friendly (no "there were many excellent entries, but we only had so many we could shortlist," but more stressing that they measured the applications according to a specific criteria), making me fear that I'd done something horribly wrong with my application. And then I sank into despondancy that nothing I did was ever good enough, and that I'm just some mediocre academic, and then I got all avoidant and wouldn't talk about my feelings or accept hugs and got a headache. And then, much later when we were supposed to be falling asleep, I just up and started crying about how everything feels so futile and I never seem to get things right. Chris made me list positives about myself and my work, and then remember all the positive feedback I've received in the past year, which made me feel better. But I'm still a bit weird and emotional, probably because I was up crying way too late last night.
So, I'm fine now, although it wouldn't hurt for Lynniec to revive the saying "[Shirk-sound-alike] looks fat in those pants."
By the way, as I went through finding links to last year's disappointment, I found this statement that I'd written, which I apparently didn't take to heart nearly well enough:
There is no use pushing down my feelings and disappointments: that just makes
things worse and gives me a headache. It's one thing to be disappointed and
frustrated. It's another thing to translate this disappointment into lies about
myself: too often, disappointments like this cause me to seriously question my
personal competence. I start to believe that I'm no good at anything. As a
result of such beliefs, I become discouraged and then avoid doing anything. And
that's when I really become depressed.
Sometimes, I need to learn lessons from myself.
8 comments:
*hugs* Stupid funding people... You rock.
I should learn lessons from myself, too, sometimes.
Oh Mary, your post brought tears to my eyes. I know exactly the feelings you're going through - I get them myself far too often (as you well know).
Both Karl and I are crushed for you, and we'll be praying for you lots over the next few days.
Love, Meg and Karl.
P.S. "shirk" sound-alike definitely looks fat in those pants, and has been looking saggy around the chin area lately, too.
P.P.S. What was my Myer's Briggs type?
Aw, you guys are so nice.
The Myers-Briggs type that I got for you was ISFP, or the "Sensing" my "Intuitive". And the descriptions make a lot of sense (oddly, I think you have the same personality type as Terra).
A big hug! Don't let this bring you down, that funding people are completely out of their mind.
I hope you'll feel better soon.
Always remember always always that if you're good enough to get into grad school, you're good enough to finish it. It's just a question of putting up with the BS to get done. Someone once told me that when I was applying to grad school and I have made it my mantra ever since.
Hugs!
The other piece of valuable advice from profs at a grant workshop recently: when you apply for funding, go in already knowing that 80% of the time you're going to be turned down. It's not personal and sometimes, it's whether or not a committee member got up on the wrong side of the bed or not. It's the same with every other aspect of academia-- same for applying for jobs.
And you can buy pasteurized eggs for such things as non-alcoholic egg nog (also for making ice cream :) ).
Thanks, kf.
We also found a bunch of recipes where you actually cook it, to kill off the bacteria.
Is Shirk giving you trouble again? I will call out the insult dogs.
Shirk has toilet paper stuck to its shoe. And I'm not telling.
Shirk thinks we're laughing with it, but we're totally laughing at it.
Shirk has halitosis. Look it up. It ain't pretty.
Hooray! Best Lynnie ever!
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