It's now been several weeks since I started using a SAD lamp on a regular basis, and I decided that I need to reflect on how much it's working for me, right now as I sit under the lamp and wait to be able to start the rest of my day. It's time for some emotional honesty.
My days have gotten very weird since I got the SAD lamp. Not that I've ever been one to rush out of bed and dive right into the day, but suddenly I've had to adopt the routine of waking up and then just sitting under a lamp for half an hour. It's stranger when I don't get around to using it when I first wake up, and then have to stop and sit under a lamp for half an hour later. Yes, I'm allowed to read (or, in this case, post on my blog) while I'm using the lamp, but it's tricky, because the light's so bright that you get those glare dots in your eyes that make it difficult to see anything else.
And so I've had to learn how to sit still.
It's also a strange thing to come to terms with the extent to which I'm affected by using and not using the SAD lamp. I've never taken anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medication, and it's a new thing for me to realise that my emotions can be so influenced by external factors. Not only does it make me happier and more energetic to sit under this lamp for half an hour a day, but you should see me on cloudy days before I've had to chance to use it. My speech slurs a bit. This morning, I waited a while before I turned on the lamp. I was going to wait until I'd gotten a few things done, intending to use the lamp while I edited an essay. But I couldn't wait any longer, because I was noticing that cottony feeling in my head again. Now (the lamp has shut off since I started writing this), that cottony feeling is gone. I'm feeling oddly alert right now. (I'm hoping that I didn't use it too late in the day, and that I'm not going to be all fake-happy now and weirdly perky now.) I don't know what to think of all this: there's this part of me that doesn't want to be dependent on anything outside of myself, while at the same time there's this other part of me that's thrilled to be starting to make progress. And there's a large part of me that starts getting impatient and tries to cut the lamp time short, on many mornings when I'm running late.
Now, I can't say that everything's been perfect since I've started light therapy. I'm not immune to feelings of depression, of course. There are so many other factors that influence my moods, including my inactivity, my procrastination (it's a vicious cycle, that one), and the junk that I eat. However, I also don't spend cloudy days laying on the couch, softly crying, anymore. Which is a good thing, because have you heard about the insanely rainy weather we on the West Coast have been getting? People have been bandying about the term "wettest November on record." It hasn't been easy, but I've survived all the rain in a way that I wouldn't have, earlier this autumn. On the other hand, it's not like I've become the most active person or happiest person on earth, either.
I hope this was coherent. I wasn't feeling entirely coherent at the beginning of writing this, and I probably got rambley. But there you go: this is the jumble of what I'm feeling right now.
Edited to add: And that, dear friends, was post #750. Way to be a real Debbie Downer for the 750th, Queenie.
7 comments:
I hear you about not wanting to be dependent on external things... I fight that battle too. But think of it this way: you're dependent on food and water, aren't you? And air? Why fight the fact that your body also depends on sunshine to keep the proper chemical balance?
I know. It's what I tell everybody else, especially when they're deciding to go on anti-depressants. And yet somehow I haven't internalised this same message.
What pilgrim said. Also, your moods are ALREADY dependent on external things. You can't change that.
Either the (external) weather is going to control your moods or the (external) sun-lamp is going to. At least with the lamp you have control over it!
I took anti-depressants for quite a while. I would rather depend on sunshine than pills. Times in my life when I have gone outside into the sunshine first thing in the morning have resulted in a very regular sleep schedule and good rest. Times when I have had regular exercise through my job I have also noticed a decrease in depression. That type of dependence doesn't mean there is something wrong with you, it means that our culture encourages a "unnatural" lifestyle. We can't help it if our bodies aren't made for modern civilization!
Maybe I missed it, but I'm taking from this you have a SAD lamp of your own now, and are not using the one at the university. I'm glad that you found something that works for you.
Yay Maryanne!
Wow. I'm really glad that I vocalised those nagging thoughts I've been having. You guys are so right.
And, Matt: here is the lamp that we bought. Now I use it every morning, rather than a few times a week, and that's levelled off the mood swings.
I am lucky enough to live somewhere where it's sunny almost every day of the year. I completely understand how external factors can impact your mood! I'm not particularly happy with my professional situation, but, on the other hand, I'm not sure I could give up all this sun!
I'm glad your lamp works for you.
Post a Comment