Friday, December 04, 2009


I have this delusion that I'm the sort of person who adapts well to new situations. I don't know where I got this idea. I ended up discussing this yesterday first with my counselor and then with my group that I call "Yoga for Depressed People," because somehow the theme of everything today was "Transitions and How Maryanne Struggles With Them." Okay, my yoga instructor missed that last six words when she announced the theme for the day.

On the small scale, I've struggled with the transition from working at the university on microfilm to working at home on my computer. I thought it would be an easy transition, because it's a return to my old routine. However, I guess it doesn't work like that when I've adjusted to another routine for so long. It's not an automatic thing where I fall back into the old patterns. I need to figure out what works and treat it like I'm setting up a new routine entirely, using the methods that worked well last time, instead of expecting that this is going to be an automatic thing.

On the larger scale, I feel like I'm entering into an entire phase of transition in my life. On Tuesday I turn 29, that year of transition between my twenties and my thirties. It's really hitting me how much I have to embrace the approach of my 30s, rather than stare in the mirror and wonder who that unfamiliar person is. (In my head, I'm 23. It's still confusing to me to find clothes that fit and look right on me, because I used to be able to grab them off the rack without trying them on.)

At the same time, as I get deeper into my dissertation, I start to face the fact that I'm working my way toward being finished being a student, after twelve years of university. Regardless of how long it takes for me to finish, this dissertation is the last thing before I graduate and have to enter Grown Up Life, where I earn money, (hopefully) don't live in a basement suite, and don't sleep in all the time. The further I get through this dissertation, the closer I get to the next part, where we move away from here and start a family.

And this is the funny thing: I look forward to my 30s. I look forward to being finished, and not paying tuition, and moving closer to home, and everything else that Being Finally Finished and Growing Up entails. But change always scares me a little, as does the realisation that I'm entering into a phase where I'm preparing for all that change. In yoga yesterday, we worked on paying attention to that space between breaths, on the transition from one physical position to the other, working on doing those things well and mindfully. And that's what I need to do with my life: instead of dragging my feet about the next phase, I need to stop and appreciate where I am now, and prepare myself for what comes next.


May-B said...

You can't be 23. I'M 23.

Also, regarding transitions. I suck at them. I plod ahead as though nothing has changed and then am shell-shocked later when I realize nothing is the same.

The Blog Fodder said...

Either we change or change is thrust up on us.

RTAs said...

Don't worry about the grown up thing. Think of all the people we know who are 9-5 grown ups, and big kids the rest of the time. Acting mature is highly overrated most of the time.

The Wisper said...

I am 23.
And it is interesting that you wrote this post today- we moved my mom to the condo today and I am sitting here in my Grandpa's jacket wondering why I am sad about leaving the farm, when I moved out 5 years ago.

Queen of West Procrastination said...

Jen: I think it's totally normal for you to be feeling sad about that. Not only did you lose your Grandpa recently, but there's a big difference between moving away from home (and home still being there for you to visit) and having home no longer exist for you. (Hug) Be extra nice to yourself for the next while.