After I posted last, I sprang into action. I had to get to class soon, and I couldn't afford to be a wreck on my first day with my medical history class; I knew that the prof would be introducing me to the class, and I wanted to make a good first impression.
First, I needed some pleasant and encouraging distraction. Jo(e) is perfect for that: she paints such gorgeous word-pictures. Her New Year's resolutions made me laugh out loud.
I'm glad that I'd already dressed up in happy clothes: baby blue pants, light purple shirt, and a navy zip-up bunnyhug. The overall effect is very 70s barbeque. I took an extra moment, and made sure that I did my hair and makeup. (How girly am I, that this cheers me up?) I packed a good lunch, and made it to the bus in plenty of time.
As I made myself busy, I worked on my internal self. There is no use pushing down my feelings and disappointments: that just makes things worse and gives me a headache. It's one thing to be disappointed and frustrated. It's another thing to translate this disappointment into lies about myself: too often, disappointments like this cause me to seriously question my personal competence. I start to believe that I'm no good at anything. As a result of such beliefs, I become discouraged and then avoid doing anything. And that's when I really become depressed. There was no way I could start off the semester this way, especially after everything I put myself through last semester. As I rushed to the bus, I reminded myself of everything that's going right in my life. I purposely reminded myself of everything that encourages me, and purposely told myself that I am a good academic, even if I struggle with scheduling and diligence. (For goodness sake: I've made it this far!)
Is it the start of a new me? I don't know, but I do know that it's time that I stopped beating myself up, every time I reach a new obstacle. And it's time that I stopped doubting my legitimacy as a scholar. (I'm good at feeling like I'm the least qualified in the room, the least intelligent in the room...) This is going to be a hectic enough semester without me sabotaging myself.
15 comments:
Good luck with your class! I know you will do great.
And, don't you love being a girlie-girl? Shopping, looking pretty, and fondue- 3 of the best cheerer uppers I know.
So glad you're feeling more positive. Have a fab semester!
I think it's great you are starting off with such a positive attitude. You are right -- beating yourself up is pointless. Being nice to yourself makes so much more sense.
My friend, I think that every single grad student goes through those times when they think they are the least intelligent and least qualified person in the room--sometimes even when the room is full of undergrads.
But like you said, you've made it this far. Think of all the things (academic and personal) that you've accomplished these last few years! Don't let SHRCC get you down.
Mwa.
Let's make SHRCC feel bad about itself.
SHRCC looks fat in those pants.
SHRCC has a crush on Pauly Shore.
SHRCC has a receding hair line.
That'll learn SHRCC to stand you up.
I love LynnieC! That was great!
I'm glad Mary feels better.
Lynnie, you are the most fantastic ever! I'm glad I don't pick on your friends.
Right now, Canada's Social Sciences and Humanities Research Council is crying in a corner. Awesome.
Hey. I'm a tool. I spelled SSHRC wrong EVERY time.
Ha. SSHRC is so insignificant, I can't even be bothered to learn its name.
BURN.
(Ahem. Unless it wants to award me a scholarship or fellowship in next year's competition...)
Then we will forgive it.
But not until then.
So, I'm confused. Is SSRHC a gay man or a balding woman? Well knowing the people that SSRHC loves it must be a gay man.
Why has no one made fun of the fact that SSRHC is pronounced "shirk"? As in "to evade the performance of an obligation". How approriate for a humanities council.
Hey SSHRC, your name implies that you avoid doing the tasks set before you.
Take THAT!
Ah, the sweet sting of mockery.
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