One of the biggest feelings that I always suffer when I'm grieving is guilt. Mostly, I feel guilt over whatever way I feel the need to grieve ("there are people far more closely connected to this than me; why am I so hit by this?") or by feeling that I am not grieving enough. The latter is what I was facing yesterday: was it insensitive of me to be carrying on with wedding business as I was handling the untimely deaths of two who were dear to me? Is it right that my wedding should compete with two different funerals?
But now I've been getting plenty of assurance: I'm doing the right thing, and a lot of people are praying that my wedding day will be joyful. And, really, that's important to me. I've been communicating back and forth with Mike's sister, and she said that it did her good that, in the midst of this, something "so normal and happy" is happening. My mother said essentially the same thing when I talked with her, yesterday.
And, beyond external assurances, I feel carried by peace and comfort. I even don't feel justified in calling yesterday the worst day of my life, in spite of it all, because the overriding feeling of the day was peace. I had a lot of opportunities to bring some comfort to people who were in pain (although I was also the bringer of bad news to those same people). And I've had an overwhelming sense of God being in control.
And so I'll revise yesterday's theme: thank you for praying.