Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Blessed Assurance

One of the biggest feelings that I always suffer when I'm grieving is guilt. Mostly, I feel guilt over whatever way I feel the need to grieve ("there are people far more closely connected to this than me; why am I so hit by this?") or by feeling that I am not grieving enough. The latter is what I was facing yesterday: was it insensitive of me to be carrying on with wedding business as I was handling the untimely deaths of two who were dear to me? Is it right that my wedding should compete with two different funerals?

But now I've been getting plenty of assurance: I'm doing the right thing, and a lot of people are praying that my wedding day will be joyful. And, really, that's important to me. I've been communicating back and forth with Mike's sister, and she said that it did her good that, in the midst of this, something "so normal and happy" is happening. My mother said essentially the same thing when I talked with her, yesterday.

And, beyond external assurances, I feel carried by peace and comfort. I even don't feel justified in calling yesterday the worst day of my life, in spite of it all, because the overriding feeling of the day was peace. I had a lot of opportunities to bring some comfort to people who were in pain (although I was also the bringer of bad news to those same people). And I've had an overwhelming sense of God being in control.

And so I'll revise yesterday's theme: thank you for praying.

4 comments:

Becca said...

i too am praying those things for you - it's ok to hurt -and it's so weird to mourn this... I love you hon... yes - Blessed Assurance - Jesus is ours - and he's gonna be with you in the joy and the pain - I hope that Saturday all you feel is joy.
I love you Mary
Becca

J.C.Q. said...

I am sure that Marlin and Mike would want you to celebrate their lives as they are now at peace with God. Especially Mike. I am sure they are looking down eagerly waiting to celebrate an exciting part of your life with you in turn. Praying hard and sending warm thoughts to you.

Anonymous said...

Hey Beautiful,

I'm totally feeling for you this week. I often read your site, though have never posted. Know that I'm offering up prayers, joys and trials for you and Chris and for Mike and Marlin.

Don't be afraid to let your emotion be raw. Your joy and sorrow should be full - something you will always remember without regret. Don't let guilt worm its ugly face in. Your marriage is a source of great joy and the tragedy of death is a source of pain. If there's anything I can do, let me know...

Marc is working on Saturday and we're leaving after he gets off work to go home. I would like to come to the ceremony though, but I've lost my invite. Could you let me know where and when so that I can share the ceremony with you?? Thanks.

Many blessings,
Leah

EternaLee said...

JCQ was sooooo right. You're handling it right.